Fiftieth birthdays are a big deal Most of us put on a facade of dreading them, but they really are quite an event. People really want to gather and celebrate when a friend reaches this milestone. We anticipate this day. Today is Meg's 50th birthday. We should be together making the most of this day. Meg was looking forward to being an "old lady". I think she was anticipating the time when it was more acceptable to be eccentric, have less of a load of responsibility, and could just enjoy her grown children and be silly and cuddly with her grandchildren. My youngest sister dreads being old. I accept it's coming as the preferred alternative to missing a moment of life. Meg...was robbed.
I'm not exactly sad today. I feel an empty space. It's always there, but it's insisting on being recognized today. I'm focusing my emotional energy on trying to feel Meg's presence within myself. I kind of feel like I would like to have a little party with others who loved her like I do. I would like to open champagne and toast to her life and what an amazing spirit she was. Unfortunately, I'm not near her friends or family...and I don't want to have a party alone. I guess that's why I needed to post this here today. I may not be able to celebrate, but I need to publicly recognize the significance of the day.
I miss her every day. I sometimes can't believe that this awful thing really happened and really is permanent. Even though it's been almost five and a half years, I can still barely wrap my mind around it sometimes. Other times, it's as real and tangible as anything can be. Grief plays cruel games with your mind and your heart.
Today, I went to the beach with a friend. She didn't know Meg. She really doesn't know much about Meg. I know she would have liked her though. All the things she likes about me are the characteristics we share that really defined Meg. So, it was a comfort to be out, doing what I know Meg would have loved to have done on her birthday. What I spent my day doing today would have tickled her to pieces.
Meg was robbed of life by truck driver who was irresponsible behind the wheel of his vehicle. All of us who love her, were robbed too. How do we ever "make peace" with that?